Not So Strong
by Nicola
Summary: Angel is acting suicidal, so Cordelia calls Buffy for help. *Deals with issues of depression, but not in a deep way*


Not So Strong  
By Nicola  
  
Disclaimer: K, this is getting annoying. Do I have to do this? Fine! Buffy, Angel, Cordelia, Wesley and all other characters belong to Joss, WB, Fox and Mutant Enemy. Sunnydale is also the property of the afore mentioned people/companies. LA belongs to the United States government and I belong to me. Okay?  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Lots of stuff. Just don't read it if you're not up to date with all BtVS and AtS seasons.  
Season: AtS 1.  
Teaser: Angel is acting suicidal, so Cordy calls Buffy for help.  
Author's note: I was watching my favourite episode Amends the other day and Angel was crying on the hill so it got me to thinking. Buffy has been really bitchy this season (4) and Angel is always the strong one. Why not swap it around (sort of) and see what happens? I'm not the greatest at character development, but what the hell. :)  
  
Buffy groaned as the shrill ringing of the phone assaulted her ears. Sleepily she reached out for the phone and knocked it off its hook. Through a haze of tiredness she sat up and picked it off the floor, before cradling it to her ear.  
  
"Hello?" she mumbled. A sniff was the reply on the other side before someone spoke.  
  
"Buffy?" Cordy asked with a broken voice. Buffy woke up a little more at the sound of the May Queen crying.  
  
"Cordy? What's wrong?" Buffy replied, genuinely concerned. There was another sob and someone yelled in pain on the other side.  
  
"It's...it's Angel," Cordy whispered. Buffy felt pure dread creep into her stomach. After a long pause, she croaked out,  
  
"I'll be over as soon as I can." With that, she slammed the phone back into its receiver and raced out of the dorm room, not even bothering to pack.  
  
*****  
  
The Slayer raced down the highway to LA in her mom's car. No one knew she was gone, or why, but she'd phone them in the morning. Her hair was still mussed with sleep and she hadn't even changed out of her tank top and sweats that she wore in bed. A thousand thoughts ran through her mind. Angel couldn't be dead, which was a plus. She would have felt his leaving the Earth through the connection they made on graduation. So what could be wrong with him? Was he dying? There were so many emotions whirling through her she nearly crashed twice with being so preoccupied with them.  
  
It seemed to take forever and a day to get to Angel Investigations. She remembered it from Thanksgiving. Almost hesitantly she made her way to the office. Cordy was sitting at her desk, tears streaming down her face.  
  
"Cordelia?" Buffy inquired. She hated to see the high school bitch in tears. The said person looked up sharply before leaping out of her chair and running to the Slayer. Buffy enfolded her in a friendly embrace, looking over to Wesley when he entered the room for an explanation. He just looked down at the ground in sadness. Buffy heard a yell from downstairs and immediately released Cordy. Without a second thought she entered the elevator and was slowly taken downstairs. She kept her eyes locked with Cordy's until they couldn't see each other.  
  
Buffy stepped out of the elevator and into the strange, yet familiar apartment. She could feel Angel in the next room, and so she made her way there.  
  
He was chained to the bed in a star position. Blood covered the pillow and stained his hair and he was trying desperately to pull himself free. Tears rose unwillingly to the Slayer's eyes to see him in such a state. She blinked them away quickly before rushing out of the room and to the bathroom, where she proceeded to prepare a soaked flannel. In less than a minute she was back in the doorway to Angel's bedroom.  
  
Tentatively, Buffy walked over to the bed and sat down. The extra weight made the bed shift and Angel opened his eyes to see who it was. His pain-filled gaze rested on her face, and he blinked twice as if not believing she was truly there. He opened his mouth to speak but Buffy placed a gentle finger on his lips.  
  
"Shh," she whispered. He did as she said. She stroked his cheek with a feather light touch and he nuzzled into her hand. Ever so carefully, Buffy lifted his head up to clean it of the cold blood that stuck to it. She also changed the pillow so that a clean one propped his head up.  
  
"Buffy?" he asked. Buffy smiled at him as she placed a small kiss to his forehead. She noticed the key on the bedside table and, taking it in hand, she unlocked the chains. Angel slowly sat up, rubbing his wrists where the chains had chaffed. Buffy sat across from him with a serious expression on her face.  
  
"Wanna tell me why you tried to stake yourself?" she asked quietly. Angel looked away in shame.  
  
"I couldn't take it anymore. It's just too hard," he replied hoarsely. Buffy immediately softened and sat by him, putting a comforting arm around his broad shoulders.  
  
"Keep talking. Whatever it is that's too hard to bear, you tell me," she said. Angel shook his head and moved away, ignoring the throbbing pain that crashed through his skull where Wesley had hit him. Buffy looked at him concerned. She gently laid her hand on his arm, but he shrugged it off with fierce ferocity.  
  
"Don't touch me!" he growled. Buffy snapped her hand back in fear. Angel rested his forehead against the headboard and let silent tears course down his face.  
  
"Angel, please," Buffy pleaded. When he didn't respond she tentatively laid her hand on his shoulder. He wanted to shrug her off, but her hot skin felt so good. He didn't shrug her off this time, so Buffy pulled him round to face her. She saw his wet cheeks and, acting purely on instinct, she drew his head to her breasts and cradled his large body in her small arms. Angel gave up fighting and let the tears come, as huge sobs wracked his body. She rocked him back and forth, murmuring sweet nothings to him as his cool tears soaked her clothes.  
  
"I'm...I'm...sorry," he choked out through the lump in his throat.  
  
"It's okay, it's okay," Buffy assured him, stroking his hair softly. She willed her own tears to stay away as he cried everything out.  
  
"It's...n...n...not okay," he whispered brokenly; "I'm tired of fighting, I can't fight for eternity. It's too hard." Buffy rubbed his back comfortingly. She'd never mothered anybody before, but it felt right with Angel. A sudden, frightening thought struck her.  
  
"Angel, is it the First again?" she asked. He shook his head. She realised he was clutching her clothes and trying to bury himself deeper into her warmth like it would protect him from the world. She only wished it was that simple.  
  
"I can't take it anymore," he said with a more calmed voice. Buffy just held him as he talked. "I need to have something to keep me going. But I have nothing. I can't have you because I love you too much to put you at risk from Angelus again. The prophecies say that my redemption will be humanity. But when? If you're not there with me then it's not worth having. And I was so tempted not to turn back time. To live at least a few months with you just as a human. But I care for you so much that I asked to be turned into a vampire again. And only I knew that we were happy. And those memories plague me. They come to me as dreams and I love every moment, but when I wake up and you're not there they mock me. I can't live with all this guilt and grief as well as the knowledge that we could have had a future." Buffy still stroked his hair as she processed his words. It made no sense, and yet it made perfect sense. It was so familiar, yet she couldn't quite grasp the memories his words made surface. "I can't do it anymore. Your memories are the best and the worst. I hurt you the most, as Angelus and myself, and you loved me all the same. And that's what's so painful. I can't ever have that love because I don't deserve it." His tears came again in giant floods that cascaded down his pale cheeks. Buffy hugged him even tighter to her as she tried desperately to remember anything. All she got was a big blank. She held him as he cried for what seemed like forever. Eventually he cried himself to sleep.  
  
Buffy tucked his large form under the covers and sat next to him on the bed, leaning her back against the headboard. She held his hand as he slept with a slight frown on his face. Her fingers stroked through his silky hair, avoiding the back where there was obviously a large and sensitive wound. She watched him sleep relatively peacefully throughout the following 24 hours. Occasionally Cordy came down to talk to her. She'd phoned up Giles to tell him of the Slayer's whereabouts. He wasn't happy but she didn't let him complain.  
  
*****  
  
Eventually he began to stir, and Buffy blinked herself to a more comprehending state of mind. Slowly his eyes opened to tiny slits. The room was still dark, so he opened his eyes more fully. He could feel someone watching him and slowly turned his head so that he could see who it was.  
  
Buffy greeted his gaze with a small smile, and he immediately knew it wasn't a dream. He smiled slightly too, just for her benefit.  
  
"Feeling better?" she asked, stroking his cheek. He nodded once, and immediately regretted as pain shot through his head. Buffy noticed him wincing in pain. "Sit up," she instructed. He did so and Buffy inspected his head. He could feel her breath on the base of his neck and it sent a small shiver down his spine. Her fingers brushed lightly over the bruised flesh of his scalp, not even making him flinch in pain. She was so gentle.  
  
"You're really here," he whispered, as he finally woke. He felt Buffy's breath tickle his neck as she giggled slightly.  
  
"I'm here. See? I dropped everything for you. I got out of bed at three in the morning for you yesterday, and it's now 4am. I haven't had any sleep or a shower." Angel's shoulders slumped with guilt.  
  
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. Buffy frowned and put her hands on his cool shoulders, gently kneading the tension out of his worn muscles.   
  
"It was a joke Angel. I'd just as soon lay down my life for you, so you don't have to apologise." Angel's still heart leapt at her words of loyalty. His head rolled back as her hot little hands worked the kinks out of his back. "Better?" she whispered after a few minutes of silence.  
  
"Mmmm," Angel replied. Buffy sighed. She could still get to him, even after all this time. Angel was so relaxed he didn't realise he was falling backwards until Buffy's arms wrapped around his chest and kept him above her while she shifted into a better position. He found himself lying down again, his head resting comfortably in Buffy's lap as she played with his hair. Buffy broke the long silence.  
  
"I don't know what you were talking about yesterday, but it did make some kind of sense. I'm hoping that one day you'll tell me. However, I'm not gonna push you into giving away all your secrets. But I am gonna be here for a while, so anything you wanna tell me you can. I won't get mad." Angel nodded once as the silence enveloped the room again. He would tell her eventually, but he just couldn't bring himself to it just yet. Before he could say anything, Buffy added, "I love you." A smile grew on his gorgeous face and Buffy smiled too. He'd needed to hear that, she was sure. "So very much," she continued as she lowered her head to his and their lips met. She was so not going anywhere for a few days.  
  
  
The End!  



End file.
